Julian Lloyd Webber on life as a classical musician.

‘Travelling with a cello is a nightmare. Apart from being surrounded by remarks like “Give us a tune mate”, “Bet you can’t get that under your chin” and “Do you know you’ve got a machine gun?” (answer: “You hum it and I’ll play it”) there is always the problem of the airlines themselves. Basically, if a cellist wants to take their cello into the cabin they must pay an additional passenger fare. It doesn’t matter how empty a plane is, without a paid for seat the cello must be put with all the other baggage, regardless of its value. Of course, once the instrument is in the hold the airlines accept no responsibility if it gets smashed to pieces – for the obvious reason that this is extremely likely.

But at least all those extra cello seats must be eligible for air miles? Forget it. I tried filling in the form once:

Name: (no problem) Barjansky Stradivarius

Sex: (um, alright) Female

Place of birth: Cremona, Italy (looking good)

Date of birth: 1690 (game’s up)’